Lonely

[Killy Brooks]

Never knew lonely could be so lonely! Wow, i'm a dork. =)

[Killy Brooks]

Hey I was the first to post on the 196 page! Yayy? It's starting to get colder outside, i'm rather excited! Can't wait for the leafs to fall and whatnot. Yeah. . . . .and la la la la la la la la........

[Tyler Dias]

AH i'm having all kinds of thoughts right now.....
I hope i'm not a dramatic retard...atleast? I know i'll have a wave of mixed thoughts in my head as soon as i post this - Mortification.

*sigh*

*blank.....

...Hello? :S
Everyone must be tired of explanations by now but...somehow i just had to do this. Write. I apologise for this too...
I've missed you all these times that i've not come online...or used the internet.

I'm not dead, and i'm not physically dying yet so i'm just going to be honest about fearing people's judgement and the devastating side affects of knowing how much of a f*ck i've been. And i know my trademark usage of ellipses is a bad habit so i'll try to cut it down.

It's been a while since i've moved where i have - but nothing's really changed for the better. My personal problems have gotten worse and i'm afraid of confronting it but eventually i will have to. I'm just stuck...
I've totally messed up everything i really care about and i'm more than confused. Closer to being lost than anything in the world.
I've been fearful of losing a rational explanation for my absence, my conduct and my life but it's happening. I just couldn't stop myself from taking a detour and walking backwards, back here after i finally am able to access the site. I'll save the details. Even now i'm still unsure of how to phrase anything; i just wish i knew why i lived like this.

For these past months, i've had ups and downs everyday and night so i've been secluded away from my computer. Also taking a forced short trip elsewhere... On top of there being aload more drama. I don't accept what i've transformed into.
It's too difficult for me start over at this rate - i've discovered just how impossible it is for someone to leave for the better. Not saying i didn't plan on doing that because for the past 2 years, i've always known i'd never be able to see the end or solve my issues. Right now, i can't even understand why i'm spewing these words here and nowhere else... X( it's like a barrier being crushed...

I suppose it's unnecessary for me to whine about my life so i'll just leave it at that. It'd probably sicken people just like it's sickened me. I've made myself look bad, seem bad and fall at the bottom of the blackest hole then convinced myself that it's not the reason i can't come out of the dark, literally; i tell myself i don't want to see the sun anymore. I hope i've made progress with taking this lamenting as a chance to turn this around - i've taken my time, and yours.

The thing that might still bug anyone who's going to read this is that i seem to lack a sense.
well, i found out why at least... I am indeed bi-polar, you were always right Trish, about my 'insanity'. I have distorted brain messages and always had them without knowing why my physical condition is also deteriorating faster. Plus my over analytical personality has driven me OCD and my worries have developed an anxiety disorder. Some sort of trauma, im not surprised anyhow.

At this point, i don't even know how to put, or whether i should put, anything else down coherently, coming from my head. I'm a disappointment...rather than the achiever i acted like i was. I'm sorry guys.
It's always nostalgic when i think about the days and nights of staying up and chatting, rping - it was well worth every second. It started off with curiousity then it grew unlike anything had before - i now think i should've saved the moments in small doses so i wouldn't miss it as i do.Those were the happiest days of my life.

I've expressed my bitter times with practically all of you. It means alot to me to have people listen. I couldn't stop this feeling of loneliness nor that of my newfound tendencies to be extremely anti-social, now so please pardon me...
I am guilty of having reduced my daily schedule of being with you guys to almost nothing...I'd like to post here to say hi on the occasions that i'm around, if that's ok...? For once i'm trying not to have allegories in my speech. I'll be around whenever i'm relieved of treatment of my mentality and physiotherapy/chiropractic stuff if it ever stops increasing- long story...i didn't find out i needed it until a short while back...

Now i'm going to delete all the mushy sounding stuff i've written and just end this...
It's going to be appear more pathetic as i write this. The fact that i almost feel my hands trembling with lack of control puts them close to useless.

P.s
You've all been my support. Thank you....
My reliance has led to me disappearing too suddenly. I figure now that i really do have a tight, anti-social, mental schedule, i should atleast let those who want to know, know, in the hopes that i'm not forgotten or remembered as the f*ck i was.
About blinding your eyes by forcing you to read this post, i hope i can fix them.

-Brittany, thanks for all the messages you've sent me even when it seemed awkward talking to no one...all my fault, least your love for Kill Hannah can only grow! You will find more people to have deep conversations with, sometime. I've been surviving on music *cycles and cycles of the same things, drowning me* -i'm grateful you posted so many songs to me before...

you're not a dork at all.

it reminds me of how you all cared greatly... i know why the feeling is supposed to be natural now. I can't say i may not fade away eventually but they'll be mentioned...it's not something a human can do without anyway- mentioning...

Wherever Aidan is, i respect him like a brother i never had, whether he likes it or not- " and i've believed you have the infinite ability to analyse and rationalise, it's only because some people can't do the same that they create a quest for truth and philosophical correctness-( i hope what im saying is not too out of the blue)."

Erin, i know you have no interest in anything i say or do now since you're gone on me - as you said, but i think you've a blessed life. I can't say anymore ... =___= i'd rather not have you react to whatever i say, if it's for the worse.

[Tyler Dias]

...Many of you don't log on anymore but i can bet Char and Em haven't given up on Rping? Like how you made Hp2 last time. You guys as mods would make little Rpers happy
...how we're all in a need of Rping and being treated nicely.
Trish don't choke or scoff if you ever see this. Just because it's close to emo. Please shoot me if you have to. (Brian's gonna be mature about it, i can guess) lol

It's also been a year since Zack's passing, it's hard not to think about the gaps.

I hope you're all well...
and not doing whatever i would do.

[Lexi Summers]

Love you Ty. <3

[Patricia Tran]

Scoff? Choke? Me? I'm insulted- I have obtained some maturity these past few months...Sorta...

Me being mean has died down quite a bit and I've actually become a tad anti-social these past few months and I'm sorta estranged from my big sis- who I know longer consider a sis, but rather a careless biological cousin diagnosed with TB like it's no big shiz.. Everything is crazy- being my last year of high school and possibly my last year of living a somewhat privileged life (compared to the hobos) under my parents' roof.

I'll need to work my ass off on college entry exams since I did so horribly last time- damn things friggin' timed.. Whoever came up with making them timed tests should be shot and killed (ok, so maybe I'm still mean)... It's a friggin' Saturday morning- ain't nobody gonna be awake to take it timed... Then there's scholarships, as I don't participate in the arts and sports- I'm relying on my Asian gloriousness and community service to get me some. I'm also considering joining the U.S. Coast Guard. I also have my Senior Culminating Project to take care of- which I'm totally BSing...LIFE'S A B*TCH

Anyway, it's too bad what a rollercoaster your life has been Ty. I would love to say that everything's gonna be fine, but I'm not gonna lie- life's a rollercoaster, there's ups and downs, and people do puke at some point. All you can try to do is count your blessings, appreciate what you have, and maybe what you can eventually achieve. Anyway, go ahead and post till whatever bad shiznitz going down for you will temporarily dissipate from your mind. I'll be checking around every now and then.

[Patricia Tran]

Well it's 11:00 PM on a Sunday night and I'm posting a message instead of sleeping- why? Because there's no friggin' school tomorrow. Somebody, has made specific Columbine High School like shooting threats on specific students and it's been spreading around this week via text messaging. The shooting is said to happen tomorrow morning while students enter the buidling and a suspect is believed to be one of the students who broke out in a major brawl last Tuesday and hasn't been seen since- wow I sound like a news reporter. It's pretty intense, considering my school has always been the last school on the planet to cancel school during heavy snow storms (we take our education very seriously at University High... not : so to cancel school due to high school-shooting threats- it's pretty serious shiz...

Anyway, took the SATs on Saturday.. I'm fairly certain I scored high on the math section- thanks to my AP Calculus teacher for making me remember useless math shiz that I will never apply to real life. Reading- not so much, there was this huge passage on jewelry and its change during history with 6 questions and I couldn't focus on reading because quite frankly, I don't give a fudge about jewelry and its changes in style in history! I don't even wear jewelry except for my starburst wrapper chain bracelet which doesn't really count cuz it's paper. And if anybody reports me to the SAT College Board for revealing info on the contents of the exam- I will personally hunt you down and kill you in your sleep... kidding...sorta... Writing- picking out slight specific errors in the sentences really isn't my thing and after a while every sentence seemed to make some sort of sense. All in all, I think I'll be resorting to the ACTs as back-up.

[Tyler Dias]

Yea, Life is a rollercoaster. I was thinking you'd never come on again...
I'll take youre advice, about the puking at some point part but i just don't really find tht appealing. *sigh, it's disasterous.

I won't post about my C*ap cause it's just a bit too depressing for a daily message and next thing you know, this'll become a perma bloggin spot or something Lame like that. Lonely is too important for that.

Since when did you start saying 'shiznit' every other sentence.....?
And how were your SATs? Good i'd say, like overly good. Why the heck would anyone talk about jewellry in an exam... It's...practically unanswerable to some people. Like me.
Good luck with it all though, don't think you'd need ACTs tbh.

P.s You being a Coast Guard would be awesome and interesting. haha

And thanks Em
I heard from Brittany that you and Char started HP2 and checked it out, i think it's excellent and all you really need to do is advertise- so more people join and start Rping. Check back at it once in awhile cause i think there are people who are interested. Have fun with that!

[Patricia Tran]

Shiznit or shiz for short is a friggin' tight word that I totally made up on the spot. It compensates for the fact that I can't say "sh*t" at school, so I say shiz instead and don't get reprimanded for it. Maybe it'll catch on and eventually make its way into the dictionary, how awesome is that?! *sighs*

And what the fudge T? You censor crap? Man, you're a cussing prude!

I swear College Board puts boring passages on some of the most ludicrous things on there to ensure that nobody will score too high on reading! Last year, had a passage that was focused on the various definitions of the word, sublime, and it was a huge passage dedicated to the meaning of that word. What the fudge?!

There's another role playing site on the rise? And how was I not made aware of this?!




8

[Tyler Dias]

okok, i thought you would say 'sh*t' at school anyway. It's pretty awesome..?
lol

what's wrong with censoring stuff because i always think the board will censor swear words or the like anyway? but okok, i'm a cussing prude. haha
i see your love hate relationship for me hasn't changed too much, kidding...

well a meaning of the word isn't half as bad as the topic of jewellry... :S

and the other roleplay site is Em's and Char's : hp002roleplay.proboards42.com/index.cgi

that's the link if you want to visit it or join. It needs promoting and all sorts of stuff but i think it's a very nice job. You weren't aware cause you were also gone for awhile. I discovered it because i was curious and a saddo who went through various past threads, the entire 'lonely' thread and messages which were all saved (even from hp001)...and realised how much of an asshole i was. I piss myself off, well the odd annoying me i was that pretty much terrorised you guys for attention or conversation and the like. Tragic

but, Erin isn't mad at me...i think

HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYONE!!

[Killy Brooks]

Happy Halloween!

[Patricia Tran]

Hmm... Now that an late invitation has been given to me to join another rp-site, I'm debating on whether or not I should join. Had I received the invite earlier- I woulda jumped the gun, but now I'm upset my decision is ambiguous. Anyway, I'm already on another role-playing site- asecretlife.proboards.com/index.cgi surrounding the book series, Twilight. I play a succubus vamp whore, Tanya!

Oh, there's nothing wrong with censoring stuff if need be.. but crap isn't a word that needs to be censored, hence I dub thee cussing prude since you can't tell the diffy between a cussy and a euphy (euphemism) for a cussy.

[Tyler Dias]

..well i thought someone else would've given you the link before i did but i get what you're saying. You've fallen into the twilight craze but that book was out ages ago and i haven't read it. Is it even really as good as every girl makes of it, obsessively good....?
no surprise to the 'whorish' character, is this the side you've always wanted to roleplay It's an active site, but it's rather limited to the book- the characters anyway, or so the admin puts it.

oh get over it.
i rarely cuss anymore, it's not like there's a great deal to point out with such an exaggerated act of emotion.

[Patricia Tran]

I actually fell into the craze when I found out a movie was gonna be made based from the book series... And then I researched and found out it was about vampires, so I could resist and read the books over the summer.. this summer... so I'm a newbie to the sensational series, but I've read every single book that's came out about it.

Honestly, as to the quality of the series, I really enjoy the witty dialogue between the two main characters, Bella and Edward, and it really helps that the setting is in Washington state where I'm from! However, the characters are quite flat.

Edward is this perfect 107 year old vegetarian (sticks to animals instead of humans) vamp virgin who becomes overprotective of Bella and comes off as rather tense and stiff personality-wise.

Bella is...a boring human that comes to little town called Forks and is suddenly becomes the center of boys attention. What bugs me about her is that she's uber-fragile- she faints at the sight and smell of blood, she doesn't dig sports- hell she sucks at it even more than I do, but what she lacks physically she supposedly makes up for it with her intelligent mind- which is what draws Edward to her. Unlike the rest of the population in Forks, she's the only one that's not two-faced, egotistical, vain, etc.

That's just only a few of the criticisms I have- the list goes on, but I figure I should stop boring you.

What makes this series so "obsessively good" is the dialogue between the two main characters- ironically for flat characters, they're capable of witty, funny conversations. And the love that grows between them is intense.

Anyway, because of the very few flat characters that make their appearance is all the more reason for me to role-play by putting more personality behind the characters and really- who doesn't have more personality than me? XD. And also I've been really wanting to roleplay for a while.

Nah, not my intention to make a big deal out of your cussing- it's just an observation I've made that makes me giggle. I've always exaggerated things- it's what I do as drama queen.

[Roxanne Carter]

well, i'm quite lost in your conversation.. but i forgot to say before..

HAPPY

belated HALLOWEEN![/center][/size]

P.S. no, i'm not mad Ty. you were right lol.
P.P.S. Trish, I just got a video in my shared folder from you that i think is from a long time ago. Only got to watch about half of it but it's pretty funny.